How I'm Feeling Today

Today was my friend Todd's birthday.

We got to hang out most of the day, which was really fun.

I feel like maybe I was super gloomy or something today, and I hope I didn't mess up anything for his special day.

In all truthfulness, I've felt really lonely today.

This morning he made breakfast for us, which felt weird because it was his birthday, but regardless he did. While I was eating, and later, doing the dishes, I just felt melancholy. Like I thought, why can't I have this romantically with someone?

In that moment, I just felt really sad, because I am so tired of being without someone.

Last night I was even feeling that.

We watched Liar Liar together, and while we were sitting there watching the movie, I just wanted to cuddle with someone. I wanted to sit there on the couch and hold someone in my arms.

My ex and I were not very touchy, for various reasons. She didn't really like to be touched, and I wasn't sure how to engage anything. I feel, in many ways, that I missed out on some of the couple-y touchy feely stuff of being in a relationship with someone, but that's beyond the point.

I basically woke up in a melancholy mood, and I've felt this way for most of the day.

I'm not even really sure what to do next. I don't want to be a whore and go and hook up with someone because I'm lonely, and I don't want to rush into another relationship.

I'm just... lonely I guess.

I hope I didn't ruin Todd's birthday. I hope he doesn't suspect that I was melancholy today. I really wanted to be happy for him and celebrate with him.

Thoughts

I’m a lot more assertive and commanding in my head than I am in real life. For instance, if my roommate is doing something that I would like him to stop doing, I can tell him to stop in my head. When it comes to actually verbalizing it, I’ll more of suggest it to him that he should stop, or I’ll just sit quietly and not say anything. In reality, it would probably be much easier for me to just say something, but for whatever reason, I prevent myself from saying it. I can’t even think about why I do this, other than the fact that I do.

The same goes for my writing. I find that I am much more eloquent in my head than I am when I speak aloud. I can compose a beautiful sentence or paragraph when I’m writing, but when it comes to speaking, I fumble around with my words. I often find myself saying “like” too much, as many college students do, and I cannot help but stutter or use “um” all too often.

I wonder if these two things are related?

Often when I stutter, the things that are going through my head are, “Will this person I’m talking to understand my meaning with what I’m saying? Will they judge me for my own thoughts?” I really am not in control of my thoughts, in the aspect that I do not command them with authority and power. Instead, I am ruled by fear with them that I will be judged harshly if I speak my mind.

I’m going to make that my goal, to speak my mind, and to be in control of what I say. I want to be able to speak and not to feel judged. So what if I just spoke freely? Would that make me an extrovert? Would people see a sudden switch in my personality and not like me anymore? These are the things that go through my head when it comes to these kinds of things. I don’t want to have these thoughts, so maybe I should just go with it.

In all reality, it’s much easier said than done, but I haven’t the slightest doubt in my head that I could accomplish this.