Thoughts

I’m a lot more assertive and commanding in my head than I am in real life. For instance, if my roommate is doing something that I would like him to stop doing, I can tell him to stop in my head. When it comes to actually verbalizing it, I’ll more of suggest it to him that he should stop, or I’ll just sit quietly and not say anything. In reality, it would probably be much easier for me to just say something, but for whatever reason, I prevent myself from saying it. I can’t even think about why I do this, other than the fact that I do.

The same goes for my writing. I find that I am much more eloquent in my head than I am when I speak aloud. I can compose a beautiful sentence or paragraph when I’m writing, but when it comes to speaking, I fumble around with my words. I often find myself saying “like” too much, as many college students do, and I cannot help but stutter or use “um” all too often.

I wonder if these two things are related?

Often when I stutter, the things that are going through my head are, “Will this person I’m talking to understand my meaning with what I’m saying? Will they judge me for my own thoughts?” I really am not in control of my thoughts, in the aspect that I do not command them with authority and power. Instead, I am ruled by fear with them that I will be judged harshly if I speak my mind.

I’m going to make that my goal, to speak my mind, and to be in control of what I say. I want to be able to speak and not to feel judged. So what if I just spoke freely? Would that make me an extrovert? Would people see a sudden switch in my personality and not like me anymore? These are the things that go through my head when it comes to these kinds of things. I don’t want to have these thoughts, so maybe I should just go with it.

In all reality, it’s much easier said than done, but I haven’t the slightest doubt in my head that I could accomplish this.