How I'm Feeling Today

Today was my friend Todd's birthday.

We got to hang out most of the day, which was really fun.

I feel like maybe I was super gloomy or something today, and I hope I didn't mess up anything for his special day.

In all truthfulness, I've felt really lonely today.

This morning he made breakfast for us, which felt weird because it was his birthday, but regardless he did. While I was eating, and later, doing the dishes, I just felt melancholy. Like I thought, why can't I have this romantically with someone?

In that moment, I just felt really sad, because I am so tired of being without someone.

Last night I was even feeling that.

We watched Liar Liar together, and while we were sitting there watching the movie, I just wanted to cuddle with someone. I wanted to sit there on the couch and hold someone in my arms.

My ex and I were not very touchy, for various reasons. She didn't really like to be touched, and I wasn't sure how to engage anything. I feel, in many ways, that I missed out on some of the couple-y touchy feely stuff of being in a relationship with someone, but that's beyond the point.

I basically woke up in a melancholy mood, and I've felt this way for most of the day.

I'm not even really sure what to do next. I don't want to be a whore and go and hook up with someone because I'm lonely, and I don't want to rush into another relationship.

I'm just... lonely I guess.

I hope I didn't ruin Todd's birthday. I hope he doesn't suspect that I was melancholy today. I really wanted to be happy for him and celebrate with him.